Year: 2019

october’s series of trailing thoughts

Alone on the New Haven green at 4AM on a Sunday morning. In this moment of time I wonder why I am and all I ever will be. I wonder what it must feel like to be rich and have the ability to throw everything away into a sabbatical, pray myself a meaning. I’ve been praying for sixteen years and it brought me nowhere. What does it feel like to have everything and want to reduce yourself to nothing? What must it feel like to have the liberty of finding yourself and doing the right thing when you have the liberty of freedom and choice? __ Finished two midterms. Thinking ridiculously deeply about the bigger picture: what I’m working for, why I’m here. How much time is left there? I can’t say I’m alone — I never really am. The whole world is there with me, but I haven’t been with it. Reading about protests in Hong Kong. The LRT on fire. Figuring out how I can structure words better after I think about code …

Impossibility as normalcy

September 14th. I left Manila on the 25th — not even a month in and I’m waiting for routine to kick in. Walking to Walgreens alone at 4am looking for potassium supplements, making the walk from Chapel to Hillhouse and sitting in the Department of Computer Science waiting rooms — lifechanging if anyone says hello, drinking beer cans alone in my room. The Yale undergraduate enrollment nears 6,000 people and I feel like I know about 30 faces.